One Year Old Today

This is my comfort in my affliction, that Thy word has revived me ~ Psalm 119:50 (KJV)

This post is about my Angelbaby, and the loss of him or her.  Please click "Read More" to see the entire post.

Our AngelBaby ~ Part. 2

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.

- You Are My Sunshine

+ Our AngelBaby ~ Part. 1

* Word of Caution: In my eyes, this is more about our AngelBaby, our family, and our faith getting us through it; and though I make every attempt to be vague in graphic details, and only share the bare minimum (in order to explain the ensuing health crisis), this is a story of miscarriage, and therefore you should only continue reading if you think you can handle it *

The next step was telling the family.  My Mother was visiting her family in Germany, and sadly I had to tell her over the phone that her first grandbaby was no longer with us.  She was understandably upset but was astounded by the idea that I was even attempting to miscarry naturally, versus have a D&C done.  To be honest, I was surprised that I had decided to go that route as well.  I never believed myself to be strong enough to handle seeing the actual evidence of loss - but I felt like because it was early on, and our baby only measured six and a half weeks, that it wouldn't be too hard on my body.

I was so very wrong.

October 15th - National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

*copied from my tumblr page to share*

Oh it’s been a while since I’ve been online!  Pregnancy is exhausting in its final month (I’m due in two weeks ~ ), but nothing makes you appreciate it more (at least for me), then remembering my Angel Baby. 

I lost my baby at nine (or eleven weeks - depending on which ultrasound you fallow), but our baby never grew past six weeks, and four days.  With all the odds my family has climbed past in my lifetime alone, I really remained optimistic that this was it: that getting to have a baby as soon as we began trying for one, was the “reward” if you will, for all the things that had happened before.  But the odds haven’t always been on our side, and sadly my first pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage that resulted in a midnight run to the ER, an emergency D&C, and a stay at the hospital as my body recovered (which reminds me, I still need to write that second part out of our Angel Baby story).

Now, as I rub my big Buddhabelly, awaiting the arrival of my first born son, I remember my Angel Baby even now - and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move on.  I can move forward, but not "on".  A small part of me, will always watch our little Sidekick play and think that he’ll never get to have that older sibling experience. 

But I take comfort in knowing that I will get to know the soul that brought me so much joy for weeks, one day, in Heaven - and then watch (much later hopefully), my son getting to meet his sibling, and finally play with him then.

For all the parents who lost their children, whether in utero or shortly thereafter, I lift a prayer for all of us, that we may heal and find comfort as we grieve, and move forward.

He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” Mark 5:34 (NIV)

Our AngelBaby ~ Part. 1

"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." - 1 Corinthians 10:13 (NIV) *The Greek for temptation and tempted can also mean testing and tested.

*Link to Part 2 is at the end of this post*

It was one year ago today, that we found out we had lost our AngelBaby.  I had been meaning to write a more expansive post about our pregnancy loss then, but it was simply too devastatingly fresh to sit down and face the words pouring out.