Friday, March 22, 2013

One Year Old Today

This is my comfort in my affliction, that Thy word has revived me ~ Psalm 119:50 (KJV)

This post is about my Angelbaby, and the loss of him or her.  Please click "Read More" to see the entire post.

If our Angelbaby had lived (read Part One, and Two for the full list of events - links open in new windows), then he or she, would have been one today . . . then again, who knows for sure, since Sidekick was a week late.  But the day holds meaning, in part because I only have days to cling to.  Sadly there is no cemetery plot for my baby, or ashes for me to place at our altar for others we have lost throughout the years.  Instead, I'm a mother to a fleeting figure of time, and I have decided this year to do something about that.

Last year, during this time, I was about eight weeks pregnant with Sidekick, and desperately trying my best not to let anxiety and fear get the better of me (though I often failed, multiple times a day).  In fact, there was never one day in my pregnancy - not even during labor - that I said, "When he gets here . . . ", it was always "If", "If he gets here . . . "  It wasn't a lack of faith for God's plan.  It was an absence of hope that this time would be different.  

But still, with being pregnant, I was able to divert my focus onto Sidekick (which makes me wonder if God timed that just right, knowing that last year would have been difficult for me to face my baby's due date, without having Sidekick in my belly, making me nauseous already!).  Either way, I'm grateful for him and to Him, because I have a drive and a focus to make it through this trying time.

But I still don't have a proper way to grieve for my Angelbaby.  I have the hospital bands from the ER and the surgery.  I have pictures of my IV's.  I have discharge papers with for "medical reasons" (as I was told by a doctor), has my devastating miscarriage listed as a "failed abortion".  No offense towards those who had an abortion, but that wasn't the case with me, and it only made me cry harder to look at those words (the medical community should really change that).  But none of these things represent my Angelbaby.

So this year, I've been searching for items that I can hopefully add to our altar of spirituality - I've been thinking of lucky charms, like a clover since March has St. Patty's Day.  And though our Angelbaby wasn't "Lucky", we were, because of having known our Angelbaby for six weeks.  For six weeks, we cherished, and loved the baby growing inside me, and the only consolation to it not having been born, was the fact that it never would know anything but pure unconditional love from both us and God.

So, I've been thinking of recruiting Sidekick to help make an arts and crafts shamrock out of his hand prints to represent his older sibling, and we'll be purchasing a keychain with a clover and a frame to hang onto our diaper bag, to carry both our children with us at all times.  I'm hoping for the frame of the keychain, to add a dried sweet pea petal, because our baby had only grown to six weeks (though I was pregnant for 9 1/2 weeks), and according to the pregnancy tickers, our Angelbaby would have been the size of a sweet pea.  And because of that, I plan on also buying some sweet pea fragrances to spray (or burn via incense) by the altar when I'm remembering my little baby, that should have been one today.  I'll be sure to share pics as soon as everything's together!

And to my Angelbaby: I hope I'm making you proud little one.  Mama and Papa still miss you, and you are still so loved.

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